Thursday, November 25, 2010

Teal Deer

So, it’s Thanksgiving in the US, and the “too long didn’t read” version is:
My list of things I’m grateful for is so long it would crash the internet – which is a very good feeling. I hope many of you feel the same way.

Those of you that have been watching the train wreck of 2010 closely may wonder at this. But truly, this year more than any other, things have worked out. To recap:

~Some of you may remember a few years back when TAO and I had the disastrous vacation that led to our coming home 3 days early – to find a local company illegally bulldozing protected wetlands. Which led to TAO raising the rabble, which led to his being on the village board, which led to his building good roots in our tiny community? The point of all that was made clear when the flooding struck. If we hadn’t gone home/fought big business/made enemies/stuck to our guns – we would have lost everything in the house, not just the basement. (I say we, but really it’s TAO, I’m just the venture capitalist in this partnership.)

~I decided to take a big paycut and a huge lifestyle shift to accept a permanent position. A decision I may still come to regret or rethink. But it meant when I needed to go home for the flood, and now when I will need time off for some health issues, I am somewhere that will let me take the time. My contract company was a good company, but very much a business and not inclined to let little human problems get in the way of money making. Had I still been contracting the penalties would have been crushing.

~Last year’s decision to climb out on the olive branch of friendship meant that this year I have many more friends, supportive acquaintances, and laughing memories. Of course there have been some amazing blunders, but I’ve always had a knack for putting my foot in it, one measly year isn’t going to change that.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Happy Anniversary.

Today is my wedding anniversary, and I’m going to do something uncharacteristic. I generally hoard TAO all to myself, but for today, I’m going to talk instead of the power of one person.
When I was young I used dream of a better future. those dreams there never was someone with me. I didn’t have dreams of fairytale weddings and happily-ever-afters.

I used to be disappointed in books when they ended with everyone tragically dying. Because, what, that helped anything? Stories such as Aida or Tristan & Isolde made me roll my eyes. Great, you’re both dead, now who’s going to carry on the fight?

In short, I wasn’t blessed with a light and loving heart.

My little day to day choices aren’t influenced by TAO, but the overriding True North of my Life is subtitled “I want TAO to get what he wants & be happy.”

Now, I’m not stupid. TAO isn’t perfect. But he’s perfect Enough for me. He makes me crazy sometimes- fair enough, I return it in spades.
He thinks I’m wonderful. I, decidedly, am NOT wonderful – but I try to live up to it so that I don’t let him down. Which has changed me. Made me better…less concerned with mere survival and more concerned with Living.

I haven’t gone completely off the emotional deep end. I’m pragmatic enough to know that if he died or betrayed me I wouldn’t cease to exist. My special curse – the ability to keep getting up – would ensure that I did just that. But I do know life would not be the same. Life wouldn’t stop, my house would not become a shrine to him, but it would have an irrevocable course change.

The simplest way to explain how one person can make such a difference to another is to talk about the movie “What Dreams May Come.” In it, Robin Williams dies. He goes to Heaven. His wife dies. She goes to Hell. Williams can’t have Heaven without his wife, so he goes to Hell to rescue her. And I finally cried at a movie, because I got what the author was saying. So while I wasn't blessed with a light heart, I was taught how to have a loving one.