Last week I posted about wishing the problems of my friends were solved-for selfish reasons.
And I hurt one of the people reading it, who didn’t understand that I wasn’t bemoaning the trust people put in me by telling me their stories. I was just frustrated by the magnitude of the situation
In case anyone else read it and was hurt (but didn’t tell me), please understand, I’m grateful that we have the type of relationship that lets you tell me ALL of your story-not just the good times, but also a shared carrying of burdens.
At the same time I feel as if what I have to offer is so inadequate, and that feeling of inadequacy strikes at the core of me; touches that buried child who never did anything right or well enough, who was powerless, unable to fix anything.
I am by my nature, a DOer, and it’s so frustrating to be unable to DO anything.
When I was little I used to cling to the idea that if I could just make it through Someday It Will All Be Okay. It became that focus that carried me through so much. That sense that if I could just get through This…someday….
Throughout the challenges of life, that same concept has kicked in. If I would/could just make it through Today, then Someday….It will all be okay.
And while it may not be the best or most sophisticated coping mechanism, it’s stood me in good stead over the decades. It’s also proven itself true often enough that I continue to return to it as a touchstone. I find myself now soothing myself with it again in my daily life.
But…
Tonight it’s Friday Night at Casa de TravelingKnitter. And I have plans. Not to calm my frayed nerves with a concept of the future; but with a night that is Okay Right NOW. With the lighting of the Shabbat Candles I’m declaring a moratorium on the world. I’ve got a Scotch so smooth it’s almost XXX in its pleasures. There’s an Inspector Morse disc on the TV, Twelfth Night in paperback, or a murder mystery on the Ipod. Enchilada fixins are in the fridge. The needles are filled with a cornucopia of projects to pick from, but I think the cardi from handspun Polwarth will be the tactile catnip of the evening.
What about you? What can you do to carve out a moment without baggage? To celebrate Life with no past, no future. To treat yourself gently? Because it’s a party at my place tonight and all my friends are invited.
4 comments:
Oh. Hugs. Sorry someone was hurt - but I frankly don't understand why anyone would be hurt by what you posted in the "post in question." Shaking head in confusion. I think you are amazing and a dear friend. Good idea about the Shabbat plans for tonight. May you fully emerge yourself in comfort.
I loved and understood your previous post completely, but thank you for this. We've had a rough week, so I wanted to make tonight a good night. I will join you in a good dinner, a smooth drink, fun games, and whatever else sounds wonderful. I might even try to convince the MR to turn off the news tonight. xox
{{{hugs}}} Sounds like you have a lovely plan for tonight! :) I find the best way for ME to celebrate Life with no past/no future is to go for good long run. The beat of my feet on the road helps put me into a meditative state & when I get home, whatever might have been weighing me down has usually been lightened or even eradicated. :)
Well! A party? I'm coming for sure! Pour me a Scotch hon, straight up please. I'm bringing my knitting, it's a new project -- that Eiffel Tower shawl that is giving me fits and pissin' me off. I'm cussing over it so I hope that doesn't offend you on Shabbat. I'm coming anyway so you'd best deal with it! ;) Let's carve those moments together, enjoy the now------ yes ma'am, I'm there!
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