Day 93 involved my calling TAO and getting a promise from him that "We are never moving, they can just have an estate sale when we die in Assisted Living."
Which tells you what happened for day 96, 95, 94 - moving, in the rain. This actually involved several changes.
Seriously...
Someone wisely pointed out recently that the biggest change of all is: Mindset.
On the surface I initiated this move so that I can walk to work and not pay $4.50 a day to park. I lost a balcony and "yuppie" apartment complex. I gained 45 minutes each morning and evening. I lost square footage and water pressure. I gained a really nice grocery store.
As I set up furniture and belongings, I tried to think like an active person. If I put the table in a vaguely inconvenient spot I could carve out a chunk of floor space for working out. When I set up my cupboards I sought to make healthy choices easier.
I took a break from Saturday moving to attend a Zumba class taught by a different instructor. Great fun. Scored the "foot vision" spot. (I need a foot vision workout video). This instructor was not as advanced in the course, and she called out the moves- something the other didn't. Even the killer calf cramp didn't take the shine off the situation. I am going to add this to my Saturday mornings that I don't work.
Other changed included trying out a new sleeping arrangement. I am a hedgehog. But the future hold shoulder problems if I don't learn to sleep on my back. I am trying a different combination of pillows, blankets, and such to retrain myself. I also grew up in one of those environments where awareness of your surrounding was critical to survival. Any change in light or sound awakens me. However, there is no longer a drunk in the dining room, so I am working on letting go of that control. Working to be more flexible, more trusting, more relaxed.
I even looked very hard at Himz. Himz was my daughter's bear. (Himz a bear) That Sunday morning she came and got in bed with me, bringing Himz. We got up and went about our day. Later, when I came home from the hospital-knowing she was dead- I went in to the bedroom, and there he was. I've slept with him ever since. He's been schlepped as far south as Florida, as far north as Alaska. Out to Oregon and east to New York. Seems silly for a woman my age to sleep with a bear. TAO even double checks the bed when I start out on a road trip. After a few days of turning it over in my mind, I decided that right now, there isn't a reason to change Himz. Perhaps in the future.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Day 98...erh, uh, ye-ah
Day 98's change came about purely because of "100 days of change". If I had not been thinking that, I would have automatically said No. Actually, I wouldn't have just said No, it would have been "No" followed by laughter.
Three of my co-workers are slim 22 year olds. So yesterday when the more athletically inclined one saw that her gym was going to offer Zumba classes, she says "Lets all go! It looks like so much fun." Ri-ight.
For a change...I said "yes". Adding the caveat that I am at least 2 decades older than they.
In true fashion, I raced home and jumped in the shower to shave (needed because I was growing it out to wax). My phone rings while I'm in the shower. I get out to a voicemail...They all backed out. Well, 2 of them backed out and the instigator wanted to see what I wanted to do. I told her that "today, the weather is nice, go to your boyfriend's game. Next week, the weather is supposed to suck, we'll go then."
But by then I was shaved, dressed, and concerned that if I had a week to think, I would chicken out. So I went.
I am not a back up dancer for music videos. I loathe aerobic classes because my left doesn't seem to coincide with the rest of humanities. And I go to those classes and have No Idea what they are doing. That said...
I had a great time. Very glad no one I knew in a professional aspect was there, but a good time was had. There were several others that "Had No Clue". (raises my comfort level) The instructor really enjoyed herself. Everyone was friendly. I learned something that would make me try group classes again...get the floor position directly behind the instructor. From there I could see her FEET which helped immensely. Previously I had always been somewhere that I could only see flailing arms. Watching her feet also kept me from looking at myself in the mirror, not watching myself eased some of the self consciousness. The times I got really lost-I was able to laugh it off. (I think that's called growth).
The downsides were - a) Hop squats at my age require leakage protection, b) if I exercise after work I can't sleep until 11pm which sucks when I have to get up at 4am, c) I felt sorta weird doing vigorous pelvic thrusts in public.
I'm off to take anti-inflammatories with my breakfast. I hope the day doesn't require too much deep knee bending.
Three of my co-workers are slim 22 year olds. So yesterday when the more athletically inclined one saw that her gym was going to offer Zumba classes, she says "Lets all go! It looks like so much fun." Ri-ight.
For a change...I said "yes". Adding the caveat that I am at least 2 decades older than they.
In true fashion, I raced home and jumped in the shower to shave (needed because I was growing it out to wax). My phone rings while I'm in the shower. I get out to a voicemail...They all backed out. Well, 2 of them backed out and the instigator wanted to see what I wanted to do. I told her that "today, the weather is nice, go to your boyfriend's game. Next week, the weather is supposed to suck, we'll go then."
But by then I was shaved, dressed, and concerned that if I had a week to think, I would chicken out. So I went.
I am not a back up dancer for music videos. I loathe aerobic classes because my left doesn't seem to coincide with the rest of humanities. And I go to those classes and have No Idea what they are doing. That said...
I had a great time. Very glad no one I knew in a professional aspect was there, but a good time was had. There were several others that "Had No Clue". (raises my comfort level) The instructor really enjoyed herself. Everyone was friendly. I learned something that would make me try group classes again...get the floor position directly behind the instructor. From there I could see her FEET which helped immensely. Previously I had always been somewhere that I could only see flailing arms. Watching her feet also kept me from looking at myself in the mirror, not watching myself eased some of the self consciousness. The times I got really lost-I was able to laugh it off. (I think that's called growth).
The downsides were - a) Hop squats at my age require leakage protection, b) if I exercise after work I can't sleep until 11pm which sucks when I have to get up at 4am, c) I felt sorta weird doing vigorous pelvic thrusts in public.
I'm off to take anti-inflammatories with my breakfast. I hope the day doesn't require too much deep knee bending.
Monday, May 12, 2008
100, 99...
The kickoff of "100 days of Change" was neither awe inspiring nor world changing. It was-as planned-about little piddly things. Before I induce stupor by listing these radical ideas, I want to share my horoscope for today....
"Keep in mind that whatever you do now will have powerful consequences. This is an opportune time to undertake a big project or to alter your course of action. Whatever you decide, make a commitment to focus your attention on what's most important" Rick Levine
Rather amusing as my mental mantra was "100 days of change"
Day 100 actually had two big changes of behaviour - First I did not work myself into an emotional coma. Secondly, having intentionally taken a day off, I did not use it as a day to pack for my move on Thursday. Small behaviours, but big changes for me. I even laquered my nails in a reverse french using "Miso happy" and "Expresso yourself".
Day 99 was all little stuff. New eyeshadow shade - something more Tufted Titmouse thank you. A fragrance sample "L'Eau Iris" when I normally wear a Chypre instead of a floral. (That was actually a little odd, I kept getting little whiffs and looking around for the source). My biggest departure was a minor rebellion. The current work involves no breakroom, no lunchroom, and you ride a shuttle in from the parking garage. We work in the bowels of the building with no windows and no outside walls. Traditionally, the workers eat at their computers while filling out patient paperwork or-if they're really frisky-surfing the net. Today...none of this for me. For some odd reason a little ottoman has been abandoned in the back hallway of a thruway to another hospital. So today, I took my book and my sandwich and disappeared Unfortunately, gravity seized half my sandwich and it went to the trash, but I enjoyed the other half while reading a few pages. Mentally...very refreshing. Some negative feedback was expressed about leaving the department, but the time away was a positive change.
As I said, none of this is earth shattering or Oprah-worthy, but each took awareness. And I feel That is where Change will come from.
"Keep in mind that whatever you do now will have powerful consequences. This is an opportune time to undertake a big project or to alter your course of action. Whatever you decide, make a commitment to focus your attention on what's most important" Rick Levine
Rather amusing as my mental mantra was "100 days of change"
Day 100 actually had two big changes of behaviour - First I did not work myself into an emotional coma. Secondly, having intentionally taken a day off, I did not use it as a day to pack for my move on Thursday. Small behaviours, but big changes for me. I even laquered my nails in a reverse french using "Miso happy" and "Expresso yourself".
Day 99 was all little stuff. New eyeshadow shade - something more Tufted Titmouse thank you. A fragrance sample "L'Eau Iris" when I normally wear a Chypre instead of a floral. (That was actually a little odd, I kept getting little whiffs and looking around for the source). My biggest departure was a minor rebellion. The current work involves no breakroom, no lunchroom, and you ride a shuttle in from the parking garage. We work in the bowels of the building with no windows and no outside walls. Traditionally, the workers eat at their computers while filling out patient paperwork or-if they're really frisky-surfing the net. Today...none of this for me. For some odd reason a little ottoman has been abandoned in the back hallway of a thruway to another hospital. So today, I took my book and my sandwich and disappeared Unfortunately, gravity seized half my sandwich and it went to the trash, but I enjoyed the other half while reading a few pages. Mentally...very refreshing. Some negative feedback was expressed about leaving the department, but the time away was a positive change.
As I said, none of this is earth shattering or Oprah-worthy, but each took awareness. And I feel That is where Change will come from.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Mother's day Goodies
AKA - Gluttony
If you are thinking this
looks a lot like a bag I own, you would be correct. TAO picked up the Saddle Brown hue for me via The Loopy Ewe I am quite pleased. It's not your standard brown bag hue. It has lighter tones of orange/rust to it. On Saturday I saw a Lime Laguna in the wild and enjoyed that colour as well.
When the Ewe sent a confirmation email I may have called and added a skein of yarn.
(TAO said I could.) It's
Duet Sock Yarn Middy in Cinnamon Dulce colour. And slated to be a beadless
Crocus Pocus with the heel yarn planned for the outside edging.
If you are thinking this
looks a lot like a bag I own, you would be correct. TAO picked up the Saddle Brown hue for me via The Loopy Ewe I am quite pleased. It's not your standard brown bag hue. It has lighter tones of orange/rust to it. On Saturday I saw a Lime Laguna in the wild and enjoyed that colour as well. When the Ewe sent a confirmation email I may have called and added a skein of yarn.
(TAO said I could.) It's
Duet Sock Yarn Middy in Cinnamon Dulce colour. And slated to be a beadless
Crocus Pocus with the heel yarn planned for the outside edging.
Shema
There is a portion of the Bedtime Shema that states "I hereby forgive anyone who angered or antagonized me, or who sinned against me,
whether against my body, my property, my honor or against anything of mine;
whether he did so accidentally, willfully, carelessly, or purposely;
whether through speech, deed, thought, or notion."
Rather a tall order. At times I find myself letting go of some incident from the day, other times my mind is so churned up that the message skips across the surface. What I find most interesting is that while it is implied, the recitation does not specifically include myself.
Is that because "I" can be the hardest of all to forgive?
On Mother's Day especially, I find that I question my past decisions. What if...What if...I had made different decisions...Would my daughter be here now instead of gone?
I don't harbour anger toward the parent of the child who carried the virus-they've got their own problems. It doesn't work to cut away at G-d. My daughter didn't leave purposefully. That leaves only my own decisions to question. My own choices to rail at. And, just as dominoes fall, that path can be rolled back through years of decisions. It's not even a question of the quality of the choice. The direction didn't have to be better-just different and the outcome could have been radically changed.
All of which is a loop that would drive anyone crazy if we let it. And what breaks us free from this is the flow of Forgiveness. It's a choice not to flay someone/ourself daily for an act that has already gone by. Part of the fluidity of forgiveness is sometimes releasing the same moment of time over and over...Nightly, in the Shema.
whether against my body, my property, my honor or against anything of mine;
whether he did so accidentally, willfully, carelessly, or purposely;
whether through speech, deed, thought, or notion."
Rather a tall order. At times I find myself letting go of some incident from the day, other times my mind is so churned up that the message skips across the surface. What I find most interesting is that while it is implied, the recitation does not specifically include myself.
Is that because "I" can be the hardest of all to forgive?
On Mother's Day especially, I find that I question my past decisions. What if...What if...I had made different decisions...Would my daughter be here now instead of gone?
I don't harbour anger toward the parent of the child who carried the virus-they've got their own problems. It doesn't work to cut away at G-d. My daughter didn't leave purposefully. That leaves only my own decisions to question. My own choices to rail at. And, just as dominoes fall, that path can be rolled back through years of decisions. It's not even a question of the quality of the choice. The direction didn't have to be better-just different and the outcome could have been radically changed.
All of which is a loop that would drive anyone crazy if we let it. And what breaks us free from this is the flow of Forgiveness. It's a choice not to flay someone/ourself daily for an act that has already gone by. Part of the fluidity of forgiveness is sometimes releasing the same moment of time over and over...Nightly, in the Shema.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
100 Days of Change
I decided to implement “100 Days of Change”. Actually I’m calling it that because 100 days of stuff just doesn’t have the same ring.
And, while most of this will be piddly, I plan to actually blog about a great deal of it, as a way of organizing my thoughts.
This has come about in part because this year Mother’s Day is also the anniversary of my daughter’s death. It was also Mother’s Day that year. However, this year I did something different…I traded schedules intentionally to have the day off. In the past I worked the day as a coping skill. This year I’m farther along the journey.
As part of pondering big events in life, I started looking down the road. Not in the financial sense, which is my usual milieu but in the sense of Me. I know that in a couple of years a big career shift is coming. I Do Not want to be the person I am today in that job.
Today’s work requires that I be a tireless sparrow pecking along the ground. In fact, on Wednesday a young co-worker and I were discussing the fact that if you were walking down the street and someone did what patients frequently do, you could call them in on a criminal charge. But when you are in a hospital wearing a name badge you have to just take it, without recourse.
In my next career I want to be, if not a Blue Bellied Roller, then at least a Grey Tufted Titmouse. Elegant, tidy, and pulled together.
Unfortunately, being a sparrow has become a habit. The midst of turmoil is not the time to implement little changes. Hence, when I am attempting to make a big career switch and going through short term pay cut, is the time I will most want to fall back on habit for daily life. Right now? Now is a good time to tweak little habits. Try new things, explore avenues, investigate new foliage. Then…when it’s time to shake the snowglobe, I’ll be ready with the little things.
And, while most of this will be piddly, I plan to actually blog about a great deal of it, as a way of organizing my thoughts.
This has come about in part because this year Mother’s Day is also the anniversary of my daughter’s death. It was also Mother’s Day that year. However, this year I did something different…I traded schedules intentionally to have the day off. In the past I worked the day as a coping skill. This year I’m farther along the journey.
As part of pondering big events in life, I started looking down the road. Not in the financial sense, which is my usual milieu but in the sense of Me. I know that in a couple of years a big career shift is coming. I Do Not want to be the person I am today in that job.
Today’s work requires that I be a tireless sparrow pecking along the ground. In fact, on Wednesday a young co-worker and I were discussing the fact that if you were walking down the street and someone did what patients frequently do, you could call them in on a criminal charge. But when you are in a hospital wearing a name badge you have to just take it, without recourse.
In my next career I want to be, if not a Blue Bellied Roller, then at least a Grey Tufted Titmouse. Elegant, tidy, and pulled together.
Unfortunately, being a sparrow has become a habit. The midst of turmoil is not the time to implement little changes. Hence, when I am attempting to make a big career switch and going through short term pay cut, is the time I will most want to fall back on habit for daily life. Right now? Now is a good time to tweak little habits. Try new things, explore avenues, investigate new foliage. Then…when it’s time to shake the snowglobe, I’ll be ready with the little things.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Stalking the wild Asparagus... I mean yarn purchase
A short time ago, I pledged that I would NOT buy more yarn until at least the following were finished:
April Socks
Chocolate Cherry Socks - These will be the socks for May in Nancy Bush's Whitby pattern
Something in the Butter Peeps or Paris Nights yarn - this was a mental error, I didn't pack the Paris Nights, I packed the Handmaiden Mini in Ebony so consider this revised.
Wicked or TAOs Smokin. I actually got most of one Wicked sleeve done before spending time with Sir Frogsalot, buying different needles and now I am happy with how my sleeve is working out.
The five center reps of the Phoenix Rising. Yeah, this might be a problem child. I spent a little time away from this, still not happy with it. Still undecided. Still considering ripping and using the yarn for something else. Aaargh!
I am slowly closing in. Which is good because I saw the NordicStars by Candace Eisner-Strick and am really tempted to make this as a Warm winter sweater for me. It's even made of a relatively affordable yarn. As opposed to the Lopi that I am tempted to make myself whenever I wear TAOs cardigan.
And for those who remember today's Book Title, I was pleased to see new reprints from as late as 1988 were available.
April Socks
Chocolate Cherry Socks - These will be the socks for May in Nancy Bush's Whitby pattern
Something in the Butter Peeps or Paris Nights yarn - this was a mental error, I didn't pack the Paris Nights, I packed the Handmaiden Mini in Ebony so consider this revised.
Wicked or TAOs Smokin. I actually got most of one Wicked sleeve done before spending time with Sir Frogsalot, buying different needles and now I am happy with how my sleeve is working out.
The five center reps of the Phoenix Rising. Yeah, this might be a problem child. I spent a little time away from this, still not happy with it. Still undecided. Still considering ripping and using the yarn for something else. Aaargh!
I am slowly closing in. Which is good because I saw the NordicStars by Candace Eisner-Strick and am really tempted to make this as a Warm winter sweater for me. It's even made of a relatively affordable yarn. As opposed to the Lopi that I am tempted to make myself whenever I wear TAOs cardigan.
And for those who remember today's Book Title, I was pleased to see new reprints from as late as 1988 were available.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Self Absorbed
So I'm thinking of taking the plunge....no, not marriage, silly...I'm going to get my hair cut by a hairdresser on Sunday. It's part of Aveda's Cuts for Clean Water campaign. And, I'm thinking of making the commitment - buying a blowdryer and a bottle of goop and getting a Style.
Currently I get my hair cut professionally about, oh, once a year - perhaps twice if PMS strikes at just the right moment. That means the rest of the time I just whack my bangs off when they poke me in the eye. That also means that my baby fine, ruler straight hair spends the majority of it's time clubbed back in various twists or ponytails. I have few hair rules but the two non-negotiables are: Not in Eyes, Not flopping around face. Important rules given that I spend the majority of my life in hospital gloves with ick on my hands, and look down at the bed, up to the screen, down to the bed, up to the keyboard, etc etc.
So when I decided to get it whacked off, the hunt for a good look comes into play. It can't be a pixie cut ala late 90's Winona, because TAO put his foot down about that a decade or so ago. Which leaves either a nice trim with some shaping and continued pull back, or some feminine cut in between that would be so short it couldn't flop forward and would not be able to club back (or catch in exercise equipment).
The later option would require commitment - get it cut regularly, keep it styled or look like the dutchBoy,no more washing at night and sleeping on it, put goop in hair, apply swirling warm air regularly. I feel vaguely overwhelmed.
So if you think I may be mature enough to handle this, kindly suggest some celebs that have good hair.
(PS - I loathe that look in which women over the age of twelve put barrettes in their hair smack at the sides of their heads, but would be open to the thought for workouts...maybe).
Currently I get my hair cut professionally about, oh, once a year - perhaps twice if PMS strikes at just the right moment. That means the rest of the time I just whack my bangs off when they poke me in the eye. That also means that my baby fine, ruler straight hair spends the majority of it's time clubbed back in various twists or ponytails. I have few hair rules but the two non-negotiables are: Not in Eyes, Not flopping around face. Important rules given that I spend the majority of my life in hospital gloves with ick on my hands, and look down at the bed, up to the screen, down to the bed, up to the keyboard, etc etc.
So when I decided to get it whacked off, the hunt for a good look comes into play. It can't be a pixie cut ala late 90's Winona, because TAO put his foot down about that a decade or so ago. Which leaves either a nice trim with some shaping and continued pull back, or some feminine cut in between that would be so short it couldn't flop forward and would not be able to club back (or catch in exercise equipment).
The later option would require commitment - get it cut regularly, keep it styled or look like the dutchBoy,no more washing at night and sleeping on it, put goop in hair, apply swirling warm air regularly. I feel vaguely overwhelmed.
So if you think I may be mature enough to handle this, kindly suggest some celebs that have good hair.
(PS - I loathe that look in which women over the age of twelve put barrettes in their hair smack at the sides of their heads, but would be open to the thought for workouts...maybe).
Saturday, April 12, 2008
April, the cruelest month
Knitting was interrupted by a coupla days spent in the smallest room of the house. You know you're sick when you're too sick to knit.
However, I am still on track for April's Socks with:
One Sock, starting Two Sock. Sorta Red, Sorta Blue Sock.
Um yeah, it's been that sorta week.
However, I am still on track for April's Socks with:
One Sock, starting Two Sock. Sorta Red, Sorta Blue Sock.
Um yeah, it's been that sorta week.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
Knitting is a Myna Bird
Phoenix Rising has a couple of little areas that make me reconsider my relationship with the project. Among these were a couple of wonky areas (tension issues) that I had concerns about visibility in the finished project. Do I rip back 40 rows? Do I risk it and get to the end and be crazy because of it? How about I semi block it now to see?
Hmmn still a little wonky. (No closeups to show). Secondary to that concern, is the small needle/silk thread issue. I am loose knitter. I knit to relax. I knit because you can't drink on call, and I never got into drugs. This project at this time is NOT relaxing.Which leads to a conversation with myself about work and the next 40 years...
- Keep doing what I'm doing (just keep knitting this plan)
- Keep doing what I'm doing but at a slower pace/lesser level. (keep knitting a row a day)
- Do what I do now, but at a real job in one place (rip back and knit again)
- Do something else entirely. (knit this pattern in a different yarn)
- Pursue disability funds. (skip this whole project)
- Go knit and think about this again in 2010 when the plan has been worked (Set the shawl aside, knit something else to distract me and see how I feel about it in a few weeks/months)
And they call knitting a Hobby.
Friday, April 04, 2008
Slow and painful progress thy name is
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Tiny needles and tiny silk thread combined with a chart, thereby rendering it non-portable knitting. Sigh.
On a brighter note I spent some tax refund money first to House that Yarn Built, and then yesterday at The Loopy Ewe. Which led to a little guilt. Not a lot, but a little. (I did donate more than I spent.)
Which tied in perfectly with something that one of my favourite authors, Larry Winget said in his newest book
You're Broke because you want to be.
As a digression...I'm not broke, we're not broke, it's not like that at all. It's just that growing up the way I did has given me an awareness of how these decisions are made daily, and it's nice to be kicked in the mental arse occasionally. It's also nice to hear some of the gaffes people make and realise it's been a long time since You Made That One. There were parts of his other book "Shut up Stop Whining and Get a Life" that made me laugh so hard I couldn't see. I do recommend the audio books, because he reads them. (I don't recommend his wardrobe.)
This morning (post Loopy Ewe glow) on the way into work, the audio book
was having you go through some exercises. Since I was driving, I did them negligently but did find myself making a mental list of projects that I have with me. This led to the following:
I hereby pledge that I will NOT buy more yarn until at least the following are finished.
- April Socks
- Chocolate Cherry Socks
- Something in the Butter Peeps or Paris Nights yarn
- Wicked or TAOs Smokin.
- The five center reps of the Phoenix Rising.
Because really, that's Enough.
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